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“I’m writing a couples massage course,” he told me. “I need someone to try these techniques out on.”
What a line, right? Certainly more appealing than: “Do you want to come in for coffee?” which was his standard move after a night out on the dancefloor.
He assured me that the massage would probably get a little steamy – it was supposed to be sexy – but that he’d be a complete gentleman and not touch – or look at – anything he wasn’t supposed to touch or look at. I trusted him, so we set a date.
We sat on the floor of his lounge room, him kneeling behind (optimum massage position), me wrapped in a towel. The massage… well, it was pretty damn hot. But despite all that, Den kept his word and didn’t try making any moves. But I wanted him to. I really did.
We sat back afterwards and stared at each other. If you could bottle that feeling, or better yet – teach people how to get it… well, the possibilities were endless! And just like that, our future rolled out ahead of us without us even knowing.
There was too much sexual tension in the air. We had to get out of the house, so we did.
On our return, Den politely extended his usual invitation to come in for a coffee. This time, I accepted.
That’s when he knew he was “in”, as he puts it. Over coffee, he floated the idea of another massage… I basically threw myself at him and the rest is history.
We worked for months writing and testing the courses together. We started teaching them – a world first – as part of romantic weekends away. We got great publicity – TV, radio, newspapers, magazines… that was seven years ago.
We’ve been running the courses ever since, honing and refining them as we go.
We’ve wanted to take them further than just Melbourne, but it’s not that easy. We run other businesses that mean travel isn’t always an option… So we hit on the idea of filming the courses onto video and making them available for instant download from the web. That way, people everywhere can access the information and get their hands on their partner in a whole new way.
We love watching the couples at our massage seminars. What starts as just two people walking in together without fail ends up being giggles, hugs, kisses on the cheeks and playful teasing. It’s wonderful to watch couples engaging in this gentle kind of love together, and it’s one of our favourite parts of our business. Our goal is to take that feeling and help deliver it to couples all over the world. Because we believe every relationship deserves a little bit of massage in it.
We launched a Pozible campaign just yesterday to help us crowdfund these videos. This means you can donate to the production. We’ve set up some amazing rewards as a thank you – including the opportunity to pre-purchase the videos at a fantastic price. They’ll be ready for download in mid-2014.
Even if you can only spare $5 or $10 as a generous pledge to the cause, it will help make all the difference, not just to us, but to couples and relationships everywhere.
If one massage can spark an eight year relationship like ours (married nearly five years now) then imagine what else it can do…
Go to Pozible.com/ilovebackrubs to find out more about the videos and pledge your support. We will be eternally grateful.
]]>Remember the hot and heavy sessions you had as a teenager? Too naïve to go any further, you’d simply be content (and really quite excited) to pash on the couch for an entire afternoon.
Not so long ago, a single kiss between a loving couple has captured worldwide attention.
Reminiscent of the V-J Day in Times Square image of the sailor planting one on a girl in white at the end of World War II, the newest iconic kissing image was against the backdrop of a hockey riot; Scott Jones and Alexandra Thomas were captured in a passionate embrace on the ground after being assaulted by riot police.
In an interview the bewildered couple gave afterwards, Scott said he was kissing his girlfriend ‘to calm her down,’ as she was hysterical from the incident.
While the real complexities behind kissing are yet to be completely revealed, we do know his theory has merit. It certainly would have worked for me!
Affection of all types has been proven to reduce stress levels. Couples who kiss each other often have lower perceived stress in their lives and greater relationship satisfaction.
Chemistry-wise, a kiss triggers a wave of brain chemistry and neural messages that create bonding feelings, motivation and even euphoria in the body.
Over time in a relationship, though, kissing will likely diminish.
It’s probably no accident that Scott and Alexandra had only been dating six months when this picture was taken, and the first thing he thought to do was to kiss her. My own man would probably have checked my eyes for concussion and tested my reflexes first.
The type of kissing in a relationship also changes over time. Less press-me-against-the-wall and more perfunctory pecks as you leave the house for work.
But why? Why not indulge in a little make out session every now and then?
Females, especially, need continued kissing to help keep tabs on their own relationship and level of commitment from their partners. It is the ultimate relationship barometer for them.
Men may be more content to let it slide, to want to engage in it only during, or as a lead-up to, sex.
Indeed, my friend N says he finds kissing ‘Boring.’ Another male Twitter follower sums it up simply as a ‘Means to an end that has its place and time limits – though (it is) sometimes an enjoyable means to an enjoyable end.’
One girlfriend admits ‘I love to kiss. My boyfriend, not so much. I definitely make him kiss me more than he wants to.’
Aside from the pure physiology, there is, of course, the romance factor. Women associate kissing with romance – which means sweeping her up into your arms for an enthusiastic kiss will gain you extra romance brownie points.
The real reason the riot kiss made the world swoon is because Scott and Alex are, as far as they are concerned, the only two people in that scene.
They ignored the riot police, they ignored the screaming crowds and the photographers snapping photos. It’s classic romance porn, usually reserved for rom-com movies.
If you need more romance in your life, then kiss more. More often, more passionately, more purposefully. And do it for longer.
If you have noticed a lack of lip-locking in your life, initiate a good old-fashioned, let’s-be-teenagers-again make out session, then sit back and reap the rewards. You should feel less stressed just thinking about it.
]]>Who the hell were we kidding?
Years ago, when Den and I were ensconced in our cozy, new high rise CBD apartment (renting, of course) we saw friends who had bought their own places going through renovation hell. The arguments, the fatigue, the dust… We, we smugly affirmed to each other, will never buy a place we have to renovate.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Fast forward half a decade and here we are in our little apartment. We lived through a bathroom renovation last year (we live and work at home, mind you… and survived 6 weeks with no bathroom and I don’t even remember how long without a toilet in the house – I’ve blocked the memories) and two years on from buying the place, our 1973 kitchen has progressively gotten worse as my overly-enthusiastic husband keeps slowly demolishing it piece by piece, even though we haven’t ordered a new one yet.
Anyway, the point of all this is that renovating, remodelling, designing and building are all part of any couple’s life. Whether you’re building ground up, adding on an extension or turning the spare room into a nursery, I can guarantee through almost your entire life together you’ll be working on some sort of home project together. As our parents keep gently reminding us: “Your house will never be done.”
And just when you finish round one of renovations, you realise it’s been ten years since the lounge room had a coat of paint or suddenly feature walls seem rather passé and you begin all over again.
But that’s all okay. Some of you crazy people out there probably even rather enjoy it! And it’s a project to work on with your sweetie, which is always a good thing. Common goals are amazing for relationships.
With all that in mind, we have arranged a design-themed $30 Date Night for you and your sweetie at the Grand Designs Live show Sydney (18-20 October) or Melbourne (25-27 October).
Was $59 per double pass now $29.50 per double pass – there are only 100 of these available, so be fast!
Simply enter code word GDLBLOG5 in the ‘Special Offer’ field (skip the other fields) on your chosen date at www.ticketmaster.com.au/grand
Please see granddesignslive.com.au for full terms and conditions.
Visitors to the exhibition will find the best ideas and advice for their homes as well as see and hear from celebrity experts, including hosts of the iconic Grand Designs UK and Australia programs, Kevin McCloud and Peter Maddison.
Celebrity speakers and industry experts from popular TV home renovating shows – Shaynna Blaze, Andrew Winter, Charlie Albone, Veronica Morgan and Bryce Holdaway – will also be sharing their knowledge and insights with visitors in a range of sessions presented at The LifeStyle Channel Grand Theatre.
The show features four zones dedicated to Kitchens & Bathrooms, Interiors, Outdoors, and Building.
]]>Forget Browning and all her permutations of love.
What about counting the amount of people you can love all at once?
Whatever number that is, surely it can’t take more than the fingers on one hand to sum them up (?).
Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time?
It’s an interesting question, posed to me recently by a confused friend. And she’s obviously not the first in history who’s wondered.
My first instinct was to say no, simply because I’m a romantic and I like to think if you loved someone – truly, really loved them – surely you wouldn’t want to compromise them by developing feelings for another person?
I say “developing” deliberately, because love at first sight is rare (and perhaps altogether mythical); surely it takes plenty time, effort and intent to build up to all-out, heart beating fast, can’t-get-you-off-my-mind love.
Besides, if it was true love you felt the second you clapped your eyes on this other person and you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were meant to be with them, wouldn’t that make your current relationship altogether moot anyway?
Wouldn’t all the other loves that came before that fade away quietly into your past?
All that was what the romantic in me really want to believe, but if there’s anything I’ve learned about love it’s that it comes in all shapes, forms and sizes. And it’s rarely clear-cut or straightforward.
A crush? Sure. I think you can be in love and still have a crush on someone else.
You could even be in love and still lust for another. That, I have no trouble wrapping my head around.
But to be head-over-heels for more than one person?
I really wanted to say no, it’s impossible.
But. But…
Turns out the experts say yes, we can love multiple people at the same time. (What the hell would they know anyway?)
And this is where it starts to get confusing, and even a little philosophical.
First, we need to define love. There are varying degrees and there are different stages. All very hard to quantify, scientifically speaking.
The lab boffins must hate love – it’s far too hard to pin down into numbers and graphs. The closest thing they have to quantifying love right now is brain scans, which is a pretty new field of science in the love arena right now.
So without somewhere solid to start, we can only hazard guesses at the answers.
I guessed firstly that we can’t romantically find ourselves falling in love with two people at once.
When put in a brain scanner, the brain of someone in the early love stage looks the same as that of a person on a cocaine rush. Love at that intensity requires a lot of resources. I suspect it would be near impossible to love two people at once, to that degree. Who has the energy?
To confirm this, I emailed Dr. Helen Fisher who invented the idea of putting loved-up brains into brain scanners to see what she had to say about it:
“I do not think you can be in love with two people at the same time.
In the beginning, a person might be dating more than one, and swing from
mild infatuation with one and then another, but things happen to gradually
or rapidly focus one’s attention on just one individual.
The dopamine system in the brain becomes more and more engaged, and the focus on just
one individual deepens until the lover begins to see this one person as
special, unique, different and better than anyone in the world. A primary
characteristic of romantic love is that it is focused on just one
individual… and this focus is seen in the poetry, myths, legends, operas,
ballets, novels around the world.”
So that clears that up.
However, if you are well into a relationship with one person, you fall into the third stage of love, known as Attachment. The excitement of falling in love gives way to more comfortable, bonded feelings of love with your partner.
This is the hotbed area for falling in love with a second person, I believe.
Some digging around revealed that Helen Fisher agrees with me, as evidenced by an old TED talk:
“…You can feel deep attachment to a long term partner WHILE you feel intense romantic love for somebody else WHILE you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners. In short, we are capable of loving more than one person at a time. In fact you can lie in bed at night and swing from deep feelings of attachment for one person to deep feelings of romantic love for somebody else.
It’s as if there’s a committee meeting going on in your head as you are trying to decide what to do, so I don’t think honestly we are an animal that was built to be happy, I think we are an animal that was built to reproduce, and I think that any happiness we find we make, and I think however we can make good relationships with each other.”
Philosophically, not just the experts but most people in general actually agree that it’s possible to love two people at once (Two out of three people believe that in fact, according to one study).
Practically speaking, it seems difficult to make that work.
Unless you – and your multiple objects of affection – subscribe to the lifestyle of polyamory (which is becoming a more and more popular way of life as a revolt against soaring divorce rates), it’s going to be hard to reconcile two loves into one life.
In short, I decided to tell my friend, yes, you can be in love with more than one person at one time.
But most likely, at some point you’ll have to choose one of them.
Have you ever been in love with more than one person at a time? How did it work out?
]]>How do you measure love?
It’s a tough question, isn’t it? Love is not something you can see, something you can pin down.
Love and science aren’t two things we see in the same context very often.
Science, after all, is the process of quantifying, measuring and witnessing things. Explaining things.
And there is so much to love that is unexplainable.
But that doesn’t stop scientists from trying. And they’ve figured out a way to measure love.
These three stages have been measured, and proven with the use of a brain scanning machine by the wonderful Dr. Helen Fisher.
For any romantics out there, I’m sorry if this bursts your love bubble… but it turns out love is just a chemical arrangement in our brain…. One that we can even trick if we want to.
Each of these three stages is governed by different hormones that have different effects on our system. In a brain-scanning machine, these hormone surges are very apparent, and each stage looks completely different.
Stage One: Lust
Stage one is lust. This is present before you’ve even found a partner to focus your energies on. The Lust stage is driven by testosterone.
Testosterone is a powerful hormone (just ask Lance Armstrong). It increases libido and energy levels in both men and women. You are delivered large quantities of it when you’re in the lust phase of love.
You know how single people always seem to have such great energy to get off the couch and go out night after night? We have testosterone to thank for that. Biologically, it works to help you find a suitable mate. At this stage of love, it’s a scattergun approach. We’re not thinking about any one person in particular.
But once you have found someone that piques your interest, you may well find yourself in stage two before long…
Stage Two: Attraction
Stage two is attraction. This is the kind of love that they write about in poems and love songs. The kind of love that started wars in Ancient Troy and that caused Romeo and Juliet to make some questionable decisions.
Attraction is the love everyone wants to have. It’s that blissful time when you fall head over heels for just one particular person.
All of a sudden they are your everything. You think about them all the time. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. You want to be around them, always. You are quite simply, smitten. It’s a thousand butterflies in your tummy and it’s lovely.
But remember – it’s all just chemicals. There are three particular neuro-transmitters at play in your brain during the Attraction phase, a cocktail of fantastic hormones.
The interesting thing about this phase of love is that it’s not built to last. It takes far too many of our body’s resources and to be sustainable over a long period of time.
This attraction phase slowly melts away after 6-18 months. If we stayed in stage two forever, we’d never get anything done!
And relationships that have the right stuff, they move onto the third phase of love: Attachment.
Stage 3 – Attachment
The third phase of love is a more relaxed and gentle phase. Only the most sturdy of relationships make it here and these relationships form the foundations for having children and raising a family.
There are two main chemicals that come into play during the attachment phase:
In one interesting study, scientists blocked vasopressin in the brains of pair-bonded prairie voles. As soon as they’d blocked the vasopressin, the prairie voles lost all interest in caring for or protecting their partner from new suitors.
So there you have it – the three clear phases of love. Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Each very measurable in a brain scanning machine and each with their own set of hormones to govern our behaviour.
Trick your brain.
I did, however promise to tell you how you can trick yourself into loving someone using these hormones. Research suggests it’s as simple as this:
1. Find a complete stranger
2. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for approximately half an hour
3. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes without talking
When put through this simple test, many of the “couples” that had been thrown together in a lab reported very high levels of attraction and one couple even got married after the experiment was over.
Now all this might sound like depressing news, but don’t despair. As someone pointed out to me the other day, while love might just all be chemicals in our brain, there is also now conclusive evidence that love does exist! And further, we’re still not entirely sure why we fall for the people we do… there’s a long way to go to explaining all about love.
For now, just relax and let those hormones do their work.
]]>Are first dates dead?
What should one do on a first date?
What should one not do on a first date?
Do we even have time for first dates these days?
What is a first date? What’s not a first date?
When does a date become a date?
Can you ask someone out via SMS or Facebook?
All that and more, covered here. My bit starts at 17 minutes 54 seconds, and goes for around 10 minutes. We had a bunch of fun on this topic, would love your thoughts on it too!
]]>Isn’t that beautiful?
Being grateful for things we already have is free. But it’s something we often forget to do in our everyday lives.
If you could do with a happiness boost and you also want to connect with your partner, I suggest writing down all the things about them you’re grateful for. After all, I can only assume if you’re with this person that they have influenced your life in a huge way. Write it down, and then read it aloud to them, just like the participants did in this video.
Boom! Instant happiness and, I’m willing to bet, a huge smile from your partner as well.
We do these things only on occasion for reflection – usually speeches at weddings or birthdays in front of our families and friends, perhaps in a Valentine or anniversary card… but reading it to them out loud is the key to this experiment working. Do it! See what happens. It could be magical.
]]>The relationship website eHarmony Australia knows a thing or two about what makes relationships work, having brought together many compatible singles over the years, and the below is some advice for any couples encountering three of the most common relationship problems.
Money issues can be a bit of a minefield in any relationship as they represent deeply held beliefs, often instilled in childhood. They’re also incredibly common, topping a recent list in the Huffington Post.
What does money mean to you?
The key to working through them is firstly to work out what money means to each person:
• Did one of you grow up in a house where every penny was counted, while the other was able to spend more freely?
• Was worth measured solely on a successful career, or were other non-financial pursuits also valued?
Once you’ve worked out how each of you sees money, you can start to take on board each other’s views without becoming frustrated – if you understand the thought process behind your partner’s behaviour, it won’t seem so foreign anymore. And if you can see what drives your own attitudes towards money, you can do work on changing your beliefs for the better.
Talking money
Talk regularly about money and make sure you’re on the same page. If you’re saving up for a deposit on a house or to pay for a big holiday, set up structures that work for both of you so you can contribute together.
Is a joint account right for you?
A joint account might not work in your everyday lives, but for a particular purpose it might be a good idea. Sit down and come up with some rules and strategies for dealing with your end goal. How much money will each partner contribute to that account? How often? Is it a feasible amount? Make sure you talk about it regularly so you both know what is going on in the household budget.
Who does what in the household is a deeply contested issue within any partnership. If one of you is fiercely house-proud and the other is happy to let cleanliness take a backseat, this issue can spark lots of arguments.
The fact is that compromise is necessary for any relationship so neither person can be dead-set on living in a spotless house or a student hellhole.
Calm and clean(ish)
To stop this niggling on a daily basis, you need to sit down and thrash it out together – minus the heated emotion or yelling about who left their dirty dishes in the sink again.
If you’re the neat freak, decide what you can and can’t live with. But learn to relax about things that aren’t so bad. Set out your rules ahead of time and see what your partner will agree to work on. Keep in mind the C word – compromise is the name of the game for both of you.
Divide and conquer
Once you’ve reached an agreement on the level of cleanliness for the house, divide the chores into lists. Write it all down and commit to it.
• Who will be in charge of what?
• How often does that job need to be done?
Some people aren’t naturally organised or clean, so they may need a bit of help forming new habits. Consider leaving Post-it reminders around the place for the first month or so, such as “Rinse your dishes and stack to the left!” or “Don’t dump shoes here!” It takes 21 days to form a habit, so be consistent and vigilant in the first few weeks.
Plan B
If all else fails, consider hiring a cleaner! Cleaning services have been saviours for many a relationship and may be well worth the charge.
Are you a social butterfly and devoted to your friends? Or do you value time alone and prefer to see friends on special occasions? There’s no right or wrong: people are just different. But when an extrovert and an introvert are in a relationship together, stress points can appear.
So, if it’s common for one person in a relationship to want to spend more time with friends and family while the other is happier alone, what’s the solution?
Time together, time apart
It’s perfectly fine to go out by yourself to see friends or to decide to have a night in alone. Each partner needs space to do things that make them happy for a healthy relationship to thrive. Make a habit of not always going out together.
It’s a question of trust as well. Foster enough trust, love and security in yourself and your relationship to be able to have nights out without each other. It’s healthy for you both, and your friends will appreciate having you to themselves sometimes too.
The secret
All relationships have issues and the above don’t have to be deal breakers – what defines successful relationships is an ability to talk about issues and reach a compromise that works all round.
This post is brought to you by eHarmony Australia.
]]>At first, he thinks she’s a nurse sent by the doctor and tells her she’s eye candy, and the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen… then, she tells him they’re married and he flips his lid in the best way possible!
Just watch. How great would it be to have your partner greet you like this even after years together?
]]>“What we discovered is if you don’t have a goal, if you don’t have a purpose for your relationship – and pretty much anything – if you don’t have a place for where you’re going something that you want to accomplish, something that you want to do you can really get lost in the murk of the journey. There has to be a vision,” says Will at the 2:58 mark.
A business plan = set goals, targets, and take action. In high school my accounting teacher used to drill into us, “failing to plan is planning to fail.” Makes sense in business, but what about a relationship?
There’s definitely no romance to a plan, spontaneity = fun and carefree and that just oozes love. It’s easy to find the fun in the beginning of a relationship, this is where everything else gets put to the side, work, friends and family all take a back step because all you want is to spend time with your new plaything.
As the relationship develops, spontaneity becomes chaotic and chaos is not good. It’s time to get serious again, you must focus on work, and there are commitments you needs to address – fun starts to fall to the wayside, maybe it’s time for a plan? The irony here is that while it’s hard to build a life together without structure or routine, you can actually plan for the fun bits and schedule in your spontaneous moments!
I believe planning your relationship makes perfect sense. Emma and I plan date night, there’s a better chance to having even more fun this way. We always thought that $30 Date Night should be spontaneous, click the red button until something pops up and at the spur of the moment we’ll go and do whatever pops up. But these days we’re into sharing new experiences, often if you leave a new experience to chance, you’ll be disappointed.
How well do you manage your relationship? Do you coast along or do you have an action plan? It would be interesting to see how many couples are happy coasting vs those who are more regimented and planned.
]]>